Feeling fine

Another alcohol free day! I feel good overall, but I’m a strange place. I’m stuck physically because of my crutches, and socially because I don’t know what to do without alcohol or use of both legs. But….I don’t feel mentally and emotionally stuck like I do most days. There I feel free.

Free to have emotions, free to be lazy and nap, free to just be. It is liberating.

I’ve been watching some great videos on You Tube about alcohol free life and they are so inspiring.

Today’s strategy…

I’ll be very busy so that’s good

Dinner with dad

Off to bed.

Sunny Sunday success

I made it another day without alcohol. Horray! I still must be vigilant and can’t let my guard down. I must have a strategy for each day.

Yesterday afternoon was a low. I felt good about relaxing on a rainy day watching movies taking care of my hip and staying off the crutches.

My husband was off with the guys and came back a bit later than I expected, which hurt my feelings- so I must have been feeling sorry for myself at some level. He asked if I wanted to so something, well- I’m not drinking so going for our usual few beers was off the table. Going out to eat on the crutches in the rain didn’t sound good, plus I wanted him to go to breakfast the next morning with my daughter and son and law and then see there new home- which I told him. AS USUAL, he had an excuse not to. He had wanted to try pickle ball and it was at the same time. Seriously, he can’t try next week??? I was so mad, of course I kept it all inside.

Here’s the important part; I didn’t go for beer, I didn’t “run an errand” that ended in me buying a bottle of wine. I sulked, I cleaned up the office a bit, I cleaned the guest room linens and….I cried. For a couple of hours I was just weepy. So frustrated, so angry, so sorry for myself. I had real emotions, I didn’t hide them behind alcohol.

There is more to learn here, like clear communication- asking for what I want, expressing disappointment. Ugh…..

Anyhow..I made it another day and feel great about myself.

Today’s strategy

Work out

Make a nice dinner

Finish cleaning the office

Maybe keep sulking…but maybe talk to my husband about my disappointment in how little he is helping me and supporting me while on crutches. Either way no booze to ease the discomfort.

Success!

Day one, no alcohol.

Instead of rallying to go out, I took a nap. It was wonderful!

We had a relaxing night re-watching Game of Thrones and having pizza with the kids.

I’ve gone 3 months without drinking before, it was awesome. I felt great. I dealt with my feelings, I recognized anxieties and restlessness and would take runs instead of drinking. I lost weight, was in shape. But the pressure to be normal, to join in with everyone else took hold. I started slow, drank very little, not often. It wasn’t long before I was back to my abuse of alcohol. And now I drink even more I think. 4 drinks a day, most days. Beer or wine. That’s just sad. I see it, but afternoon comes and I “forget ” that I’m not drinking. “I don’t have a problem, the drinks will feel so good, I’m not hurting anyone or doing anything stupid.” Oh but I do have a problem, and the drinks do feel good, but I am hurting myself physically and emotionally. So I need to find something else that makes me feel good without the harm it does to my body and my mental wellbeing. I struggle with depression and I know boozing feeds it and makes it worse.

Today’s strategy…..avoidance. Keep busy, no going out.

Maybe take another afternoon nap. (I’m on crutches after a hip labrum and micro fracture repair- so not as active as I’d like to be)

Make a nice dinner- we are trying Hello Fresh so help with meals, cooking on crutches is easy)

Probably more Games of Thrones- final season approaches

#stopdrinking #alcoholfree #soberliving

Time to quit drinking!

When I started this blog I first thought about making it about my journey to quit alcohol. But then I got scared or uncomfortable about that being the focus. And if I am honest with myself, I didn’t want to face the truth that it is the number one biggest obstacle I face I being mindful, healthy, proud.

So there it is….

I drink way to much, way too often and I am disgusted with myself. Time to turn it around.

My strategy for tonight (Friday night-that’s a toughy)….

Because I get bored-make my daughters necklace that I’ve put off doing for a couple month

If my husband wants to go out…. go where there is good food. Make that the focus, not a brewery or bar.

Ok let’s see how I do!

Another mindless day

Auto pilot kicked in yesterday- I was busy-I’m not sure if I was productive. I did the things that felt good, which isn’t all bad but not all good either. I should have been more mindful and set time to do the hard things or the things I don’t like doing. Which I’ll pay for today or tomorrow. It’s the cycle I’m trying to break.

Positive energy produces more positive energy

So I’m trying to do one mindful thing a day, even if it feels awkward. Yesterday it was to get on the elliptical and stretch. Which I did at the end of the day, and it wasn’t awkward at all. But that single goal, that mindset to get unstuck for one activity seemed to make the day produce other positive “unstuckness.” I had great conversations with loves ones, helped my daughter out by taking my grandson for a couple hours (she’s pregnant with her second and exhausted), had good interactions with coworkers. The day just flowed so well. No couch time, no feeling sorry for myself, no nap. Just a really good day. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

So today, my one mindful activity is to go to girls night. Seems like that wouldn’t be something hard to do, but for me it is. I tend to flake out at the last minute because I just don’t want to engage-I want my couch and blanket. It’s a problem, I want more meaningful relationships but don’t want to do the work so often. I feel awkward in bigger groups, I feel inadequate when they are such good friends with their awesome lives and I feel like a loser outsider. Yep, that’s what my mind creates and yes, that has to change. So I will go to girls night, I will chat and have fun and I will embrace the friendships I have- as they are and as I am. Mindful, maybe awkward but doing it.

Baby steps

That’s my favorite memory of “What About Bob”. Bill Murray plays Bob, a patient with phobias. Richard Dreyfuss is Dr Leo Marvin, is renowned psychiatrist. Anyhow Dr Marvin has written a book “Baby Steps”, which has readers taking tiny baby steps toward change. Bob takes the book to heart and is always repeating “baby steps to…” whatever the obstacle. It’s very awkward and very mindful. That’s what I aim to be.

Baby steps to….. getting on the elliptical and stretching today. I am hurting today. In my normal fashion I decided to start running again because it makes me feel good- which is great in the moment but now my back and hip is killing me. Did I mention I’m having hip surgery for a torn labrum caused by running? Oh and by running I mean maybe 3 miles a couple times a week and I don’t run the entire time. So my choice to fulfill a need to feel good, although seemingly healthy is the wrong choice for me. That’s the point of my awkward mindfulness, to deliberately choose actions with long term benefits. Not feel good now, pay for it later- which is my norm.

Ok, so my goal today is to get on the elliptical for 20 minutes and have a good stretch after. Baby steps. That’s it. That’s my one goal toward change today. Baby step to the elliptical, baby steps to the elliptical, baby step to the elliptical……..