The opposite of comfortably numb

That is what I’m trying to accomplish, awkwardly mindful. I am tried of being tried. Disgusted by my mindless habits to be comfortable-habits that harm me more than benefit me or anyone else. All I seem to want anymore is to sit in my living room with my blanket, food and drink and escape in a show on TV. I am stuck, truly a prisoner of my own unconsciousness. So I am going to escape. It will be awkward. I expect to experience much of what is defined as awkward by Merriam -Webster often and maybe even all at once. It’s not going to be comfortable .

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/awkward

Definition of awkward

1a: lacking dexterity or skill (as in the use of hands) I’m awkward with a needle and thread
b: showing the result of a lack of expertness an awkward attempt awkward pictures
2a: lacking ease or grace (as of movement or expression) awkward writing
b: lacking the right proportions, size, or harmony of parts : UNGAINLYan awkward design
3a: lacking social grace and assurance an awkward newcomer
b: causing embarrassment an awkward moment
4: not easy to handle or deal with : requiring great skill, ingenuity, or care an awkward loadan awkward diplomatic situation
5obsolete  : PERVERSE
6archaic  : UNFAVORABLE, 

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