I’m also glad I’m feeling. Not suppressing feelings with alcohol. I’m more open, more eager, still fearful and clumsy- but not so bad.
I had a great visit with my dad. It’s not always so great… I grew up with him in a very alcoholic- dysfunction family. I am always guarded, waiting for a “blow up”. But it was very pleasant and I felt some walls come down.
I dreamt again about “accidentally” having a glass of wine and blowing my alcohol free status. It’s been a week now and it seems like forever, like I don’t have an issue and could easily drink “normally”. IT’S A LIE! I know it but the lie is down below the surface, lurking for it’s time to pounce on me and win the silent battle. That’s the fear in my dream, it will accidentally happen like that. So I must be strong and kill that lie or always have my guard up. Any thoughts on this????
I watched another couple You Tube videos on being alcohol free. I can always relate and feel empowered.
I’m gonna add one positive thing about not drinking and one negative thing from when I was drinking to my strategy each day to keep it real.
Alcohol free has given me less anxiety, actually none yet. When I was drinking I woke up with anxiety or was quick to get anxious. It was a constant struggle.
Girls going away party for friend. Will stick with water and pizza.
I’ve read many other alcohol free blogs and watched alcohol free You Tube videos. It’s so fantastic to have this content at my fingertips to inspire and motivate me!
I don’t know why but I was compelled to blog about my journey. Maybe just to get it out in the open and be able to connect to others that could relate.
In any case, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just doing it and at the same time staying alcohol free.
It’s not quite a week yet. I haven’t had any cravings for alcohol. I’ve dreamt about accidentally drinking and ruining my alcohol free state, that’s seems like an obvious subconscious fear manifesting.
I can say that I feel really good, proud of myself, more alive.
I am concerned about how to be alcohol free when almost everything I do is around alcohol. Get together with friends are almost always at a brewery. Upcoming Patio time is also always at a brewery or bar setting. Summer festivals spent drinking….you guessed it Beer! And plenty of it.
I truly enjoy the atmosphere at breweries and festivals -so now I will devise a plan for me to enjoy it with my glass of water, lemonade, soda and tonic, or maybe a kombucha at those breweries that brew there own.
A picture of a heart shaped cactus on a hike. I love this, I feel like I am the cactus-A protected heart. Part of why I’ve hidden behind booze.
Last night I went to girls night and didn’t find confidence and alcohol. I was just myself with a few uncomfortable moments where I felt inadequate but mostly I was myself and enjoyed the company of my girlfriends.
Game of thrones binging (remember I’m on crutches and can’t do much)
Research diet for autoimmune disease for my daughter who has Hashimoto’s
Another alcohol free day! I feel good overall, but I’m a strange place. I’m stuck physically because of my crutches, and socially because I don’t know what to do without alcohol or use of both legs. But….I don’t feel mentally and emotionally stuck like I do most days. There I feel free.
Free to have emotions, free to be lazy and nap, free to just be. It is liberating.
I’ve been watching some great videos on You Tube about alcohol free life and they are so inspiring.
I made it another day without alcohol. Horray! I still must be vigilant and can’t let my guard down. I must have a strategy for each day.
Yesterday afternoon was a low. I felt good about relaxing on a rainy day watching movies taking care of my hip and staying off the crutches.
My husband was off with the guys and came back a bit later than I expected, which hurt my feelings- so I must have been feeling sorry for myself at some level. He asked if I wanted to so something, well- I’m not drinking so going for our usual few beers was off the table. Going out to eat on the crutches in the rain didn’t sound good, plus I wanted him to go to breakfast the next morning with my daughter and son and law and then see there new home- which I told him. AS USUAL, he had an excuse not to. He had wanted to try pickle ball and it was at the same time. Seriously, he can’t try next week??? I was so mad, of course I kept it all inside.
Here’s the important part; I didn’t go for beer, I didn’t “run an errand” that ended in me buying a bottle of wine. I sulked, I cleaned up the office a bit, I cleaned the guest room linens and….I cried. For a couple of hours I was just weepy. So frustrated, so angry, so sorry for myself. I had real emotions, I didn’t hide them behind alcohol.
There is more to learn here, like clear communication- asking for what I want, expressing disappointment. Ugh…..
Anyhow..I made it another day and feel great about myself.
Make a nice dinner
Finish cleaning the office
Maybe keep sulking…but maybe talk to my husband about my disappointment in how little he is helping me and supporting me while on crutches. Either way no booze to ease the discomfort.
Instead of rallying to go out, I took a nap. It was wonderful!
We had a relaxing night re-watching Game of Thrones and having pizza with the kids.
I’ve gone 3 months without drinking before, it was awesome. I felt great. I dealt with my feelings, I recognized anxieties and restlessness and would take runs instead of drinking. I lost weight, was in shape. But the pressure to be normal, to join in with everyone else took hold. I started slow, drank very little, not often. It wasn’t long before I was back to my abuse of alcohol. And now I drink even more I think. 4 drinks a day, most days. Beer or wine. That’s just sad. I see it, but afternoon comes and I “forget ” that I’m not drinking. “I don’t have a problem, the drinks will feel so good, I’m not hurting anyone or doing anything stupid.” Oh but I do have a problem, and the drinks do feel good, but I am hurting myself physically and emotionally. So I need to find something else that makes me feel good without the harm it does to my body and my mental wellbeing. I struggle with depression and I know boozing feeds it and makes it worse.
Today’s strategy…..avoidance. Keep busy, no going out.
Maybe take another afternoon nap. (I’m on crutches after a hip labrum and micro fracture repair- so not as active as I’d like to be)
Make a nice dinner- we are trying Hello Fresh so help with meals, cooking on crutches is easy)
Probably more Games of Thrones- final season approaches
When I started this blog I first thought about making it about my journey to quit alcohol. But then I got scared or uncomfortable about that being the focus. And if I am honest with myself, I didn’t want to face the truth that it is the number one biggest obstacle I face I being mindful, healthy, proud.
So there it is….
I drink way to much, way too often and I am disgusted with myself. Time to turn it around.
My strategy for tonight (Friday night-that’s a toughy)….
Because I get bored-make my daughters necklace that I’ve put off doing for a couple month
If my husband wants to go out…. go where there is good food. Make that the focus, not a brewery or bar.