Auto pilot kicked in yesterday- I was busy-I’m not sure if I was productive. I did the things that felt good, which isn’t all bad but not all good either. I should have been more mindful and set time to do the hard things or the things I don’t like doing. Which I’ll pay for today or tomorrow. It’s the cycle I’m trying to break.
So I’m trying to do one mindful thing a day, even if it feels awkward. Yesterday it was to get on the elliptical and stretch. Which I did at the end of the day, and it wasn’t awkward at all. But that single goal, that mindset to get unstuck for one activity seemed to make the day produce other positive “unstuckness.” I had great conversations with loves ones, helped my daughter out by taking my grandson for a couple hours (she’s pregnant with her second and exhausted), had good interactions with coworkers. The day just flowed so well. No couch time, no feeling sorry for myself, no nap. Just a really good day. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
So today, my one mindful activity is to go to girls night. Seems like that wouldn’t be something hard to do, but for me it is. I tend to flake out at the last minute because I just don’t want to engage-I want my couch and blanket. It’s a problem, I want more meaningful relationships but don’t want to do the work so often. I feel awkward in bigger groups, I feel inadequate when they are such good friends with their awesome lives and I feel like a loser outsider. Yep, that’s what my mind creates and yes, that has to change. So I will go to girls night, I will chat and have fun and I will embrace the friendships I have- as they are and as I am. Mindful, maybe awkward but doing it.
That’s my favorite memory of “What About Bob”. Bill Murray plays Bob, a patient with phobias. Richard Dreyfuss is Dr Leo Marvin, is renowned psychiatrist. Anyhow Dr Marvin has written a book “Baby Steps”, which has readers taking tiny baby steps toward change. Bob takes the book to heart and is always repeating “baby steps to…” whatever the obstacle. It’s very awkward and very mindful. That’s what I aim to be.
Baby steps to….. getting on the elliptical and stretching today. I am hurting today. In my normal fashion I decided to start running again because it makes me feel good- which is great in the moment but now my back and hip is killing me. Did I mention I’m having hip surgery for a torn labrum caused by running? Oh and by running I mean maybe 3 miles a couple times a week and I don’t run the entire time. So my choice to fulfill a need to feel good, although seemingly healthy is the wrong choice for me. That’s the point of my awkward mindfulness, to deliberately choose actions with long term benefits. Not feel good now, pay for it later- which is my norm.
Ok, so my goal today is to get on the elliptical for 20 minutes and have a good stretch after. Baby steps. That’s it. That’s my one goal toward change today. Baby step to the elliptical, baby steps to the elliptical, baby step to the elliptical……..
I thought I was posting my first blog. Apparently I posted a page on my blog. I have no idea what I’m doing. I suppose doing is a good step. It’s awkward but it’s action. Not mindful perhaps but moving in the right direction.
The purpose of this blog is to get my experience out there in hopes that others can relate and help in my journey to move from comfortably numb to awkwardly mindful. To start living more and escaping less. I feel imprisoned by my own dysfunction and am planning my escape!